Create In Me

Tulip Garden

This is an entry from my journal that I wrote 12 months ago. I finally made reconciliation with an old friend who I loved dearly. A wrong assumption lead us apart, BOTH of us had different ideas of what was going on & NEITHER of us reached out to restore what was broken. I capitalize those words because I was also at fault. I let a friendship that I so deeply cared about slip away because of a very minor detail. 

The entry:

Silence because of others sin, if not careful, can turn into sin of your own. Humm…

Sometimes all I want to do is be awkward, hold grudges and decide where forgiveness should and shouldn’t be given. Control is my middle name.

I’ve realized during my “adult years” that I’ll always be awkward, but grudges hold your feet in the ground as unforgiveness beats you over the head.

-I am not perfect by ANY means! I have screwed up in the past & will probably screw up again. I am human! I pray that God gives me the grace to ask for forgiveness when I do screw up & acknowledge that I was wrong!  but…

Sometimes I catch myself apologizing for things I didn’t do to keep peace. Sometimes I realize that people are making false speculations about me and I say nothing. I just let their minds wonder. Not to be mean, but because I let the falsehood of a rotten rumor harden my heart and my only defense is silence.

And then I’m like wow… Poor me?!?! NO!

I’ve also come to realize that I’ve never once deserved forgiveness for myself! I, born sinner, am constantly making mistakes. My silence has caused a lot of heartbreak over the years with family and friends alike. Rumors unsettled. Miscommunications pushing people further and further away. Feelings hurt over an assumption.

Have you ever been here? Let something go for too long because you were so upset that a rumor spread ? OR someone else made a wrong assumption that hurt your feelings? THEN you allowed yourself to be paralyzed by it instead of confronting the issue?

I am on my knees in the dirt surrendering to God to take control of my life daily. My dirty, undeserving hands, lifted to the sky. My heart screaming for release. Although I don’t deserve forgiveness, God sacrificed his only son to give me freedom from myself. ME , in my weakest, deepest, darkest hour, freedom. Not just me, but you and to all who believe, trust and follow Christ.

Create in me a clean heart, oh Lord -psalm 51:10

This is they cry of my heart today <3

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